It Only Hurts When I Breathe
by AlabamaBound
Summary: Bones thinks back on everything that she should have said to Booth before she left and why she didn't.


Temperance Brennan had never known such pain before. She'd once told Booth that a heart cannot break. However, at the moment she was beginning to doubt herself. She'd never before doubted anything that she believed. Questioned it maybe, but never doubt. Doubt was not something that she was accustomed to. However, she was beginning to believe that Booth had been right about a heart being able to break. She hadn't stopped crying. She hadn't stopped wishing that she possessed the strength to tell the Captain to turn the plane around so she could go back to the man that she now knew that she loved. However, like most things in her life, she was unable to give into her fears and voice her feelings for Booth.

She thought that watching Sully leave on a boat named after her was painful. If anything this was a million times more painful than that. She knew now that she'd never been in love with Sully. He was merely someone that kept her mind and body busy trying to forget Booth.

Saying goodbye to him in the airport had been the single hardest thing that she'd done in her adult life. She felt like she was the lead in some romantic movie. She'd wanted to run after Booth and throw her arms around him and beg him not to go to Afghanistan. She wanted to tell him that the only reason she was leaving for some remote island in Indonesia was because she thought that she was holding him back. However, in the end she'd done what she thought was best for him. She let him go and made him promise that he'd return to her.

She knew that she didn't have the right to ask him for that promise. When he'd told her that he loved her she had taken the easy way out and told him that she didn't feel the same. At the time she thought that it was what was best for him. It had been the most painful thing she'd ever done. Up until today that is. Nothing could compare with the ache in her chest. She couldn't describe what she was feeling. She couldn't chalk it up to any scientific theories. None of them fit.

It only hurt when she breathed. So, she held her breath to try and forget. That didn't work and she realized that it also hurt when her heart beat. A steady and strong rhythm that signaled that she was alive, alive, but so very alone. She knew that she was destined to always be alone. She wanted to forget him. Forget the way he made her feel. The way he made her want to grow and to be a better person. She longed to be everything that he was. Funny, smart, intelligent and so very good with people. She felt her dreams dying the further the plane got from Washington D.C. However, Temperance Brennan learned a long time ago that she isn't one that is allowed the luxury of dreams. She will never have a family or a husband. Because, no matter how much someone loves you, they will always leave you.

It was a sad fact of her life. Despite how much she loved Booth, she wasn't what he needed. She couldn't love him the way he deserved to be loved. Maybe, he would find someone to love him. Someone that wanted the same things out of life that he did.

She had written and mailed a letter the same day that she'd left. She knew that he would get it after she left. Of that she was glad, because she didn't want to see the confusion in his eyes. Because what she'd written was so very opposite of what he'd told her on the cold rainy day.

_**Dearest Booth, **_

_**I will always love you. However, you deserve someone that will be everything you've ever dreamed of in a soul mate. Someone that's compassionate, caring and affectionate. You and I both know that I am none of these things. It's not who I am. How I've wished that I could be the kind of woman that you deserve. **_

_**You said that you love me. I know that you believe that to be true, but please try and forget me. I'm not what you need. Not what you deserve. You deserve someone that can put you above everything else in their life. My work is too important to me. It's my haven in the storm. **_

_**I once told you that a heart cannot break. However, I no longer believe that. Because know this, my heart is breaking because I love you so very much, but I know that I'm not what's best for you Booth. **_

_**You are my best friend. You've been there for me so many times when I thought I had no one to depend on. You saved me when I thought that things were hopeless. You made me believe in myself. You made me a better woman. I owe you everything. **_

_**I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not trusting myself to love you. You deserve the best of everything and while I'm the best in many areas, love is not one of them.**_

_**Please give Parker a kiss for me and tell him that I will miss him.**_

_**Forever and Always, **_

_**Temperance (Bones) Brennan**_

She'd written the letter at the last moment. Stopping at the mailbox in the airport to mail it, she'd considered not sending it, but in the end, she'd sent it. She knew that she owed Booth nothing less that complete honesty.

She closed her eyes and hoped that the next three hundred and sixty four days went by quickly. She didn't know how much more of this pain she could take. Maybe when she reached her destination and got to work she could forget him. At least until the next time that she thought of him. Which, would probably be anytime she had a spare moment. She only hoped that her heart didn't break completely in the meantime……


End file.
